Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.