Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.