dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?