dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁