dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
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Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!