dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
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Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
