dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
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Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
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*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
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I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*