Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
You Might Also Like
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?