Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
me, too, girl. me, too.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
All right then, keep your secrets
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.