Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
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If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Zack Greinke stories are the best
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well