Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

how many bears make up a bear minimum

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.