Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
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Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.