DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
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Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Windows
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice