DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
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Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
British people be like I’m Bri ish
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.