Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

How to lose a drone in 10 minutes

-a memoir by my husband and 7yo

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

Had to try this trend 😊

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.