DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.