Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
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Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it