Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
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Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
excuse me
