Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.