[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
this is the best interaction on twitter
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners