[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
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2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
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“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
i was baptized in a car wash
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY