Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
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Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
LOL
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.
The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:
The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.
Me: OK
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd