Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
You Might Also Like
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.