Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
You Might Also Like
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
#oldknees
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.