Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.