[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
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A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.