Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
there’s probably a fee though
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.