Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
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Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Mornin
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
is it too early for christmas memes
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die