Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
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Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Love the Deepseek app, using it to organize all my finances and passwords. They make it so easy
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.