Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous