Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]