Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
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*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god