Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
