Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
