dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
