dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
sistine chapel
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Life is a suicide mission.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what