Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

WHY?!

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

this chia pet tastes awful

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes