DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
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Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?