Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

everyone’s a critic

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.