Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

it’s finally my moment to shine

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

She might be a genius

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.