Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

IT’S-A ME,

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.