Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*