Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

reviewed some movies recently

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

😂😂😂😂😂😂