Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
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Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better