Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

bury ourselves

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie