Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.