Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

tell em, edith-anne

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …