Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?