Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
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1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.