DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.