DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
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What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
This did not end as expected.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon