Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

So many pants.
So little yoga.

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey