Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

Me too, bag. Me too….

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.