Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

Bloody internet 😳

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators