Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

Put a ring on it

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

The Joker was right

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.