Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.