Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
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If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
They must have gotten it to go.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
mathematically impossible
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
