Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.