Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
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Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Okay me first
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door