Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
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My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
