Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
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Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.