Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
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A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery