Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
wtf is an acronym
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.