Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.