Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Always…

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?