Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.