Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
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“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember