Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …