Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.