Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school