DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
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Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.