Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

I cannot call her anything else now

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.