Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

Jogging

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

#Caturday

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”