Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

john wicks are toilet candles

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*