DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
he was correct
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Self-cleaning conscience
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant