DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
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Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Planet of the Apps.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
dutch so unserious
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does