DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
They’re not wrong
You might just have to resign…
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.