DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Favourite diary entry ever
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it