DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

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[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE



[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids


I’m currently 27 years into to my “get rich quick” scheme.


Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.


If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.


Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call


Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!


The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.