@koalaslament

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

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@funflaps

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

@KenJennings

Folks I’m seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there

@LinajkReturns

You have beautiful eyes.
Too bad they’re attached to the head of a stark raving lunatic.

@DurtMcHurtt

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

@TragicAllyHere

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

@justmiche74

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

@SaltyCorpse

You’re not a real parent until you’ve secretly wished your child’s sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.

@TheToddWilliams

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

@drankturpentine

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

@HaleyMDriscoll

My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I’m only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.