I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
181.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
#MeanwhileInCanada
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.